PERMANENCE OR GROWTH

(Photo by Rampal Singh)

Another weekend has come to a close.

They seem to be going by faster and faster these days. I can remember not too long ago, five or six years maybe, when the days felt longer, and the sun appeared to hang in the sky like an ornament, perpetuating the excitement of what would happen in the days away from work. But now, things are quite different.

There are ways to slow time, I’ve learned. One is to do absolutely nothing of value, just sit on the couch, drink, and watch television. The drawback is a major one, however. One day, inevitably, you’ll wake up and realize your life is over with nothing to show for it. You’ll have quite literally wasted your life in an effort to prolong it. That’s a dicey, devil’s bargain if you ask me. I suppose it comes down to what’s most important to you, permanence or growth?

There are good and bad consequences for both.

My dad chose permanence, for example. After the age of 40, he spent most, if not all, of his days at home, drinking wine and watching television. As I became an adult and periodically moved back in with my parents, I remember joining him. He would crack the first bottle at 2pm on the nose and pour us to the brim (which I initially thought was only one glass of wine), and we would watch the same damn movies and music videos over and over again, laughing and singing until late into the night and our drunken fatigue got the better of us. Those days seemed endless. And the times he was happy and, as a consequence, my mother, brother, and I were all happy, they are among my favorite memories of our family.

But now, he is dead. My family told me bits and pieces about his last decade alive — I had been disowned for most of that time for reasons of which I’m still not entirely sure. I know that he suffered from depression and alcoholism, and that they suffered as a result, and that time continued moving painfully slow. So slow, in fact, that when I finally saw Dad, he seemed genuinely surprised — as addled as he was from liver and kidney failure — that he was on his death bed. It was as if he had missed his offramp while driving home, pulled up to the assisted living facility to ask for directions, and was not allowed to leave.

I am hardly like him at all anymore. Being 40 years old myself, I want to take advantage of the life before me, a life that I have wasted in many ways. Through a series of gut-wrenching failures and family tragedies, I have been cured of my delusions of grandeur and highfalutin expectations and simply wish to have new experiences with the people that I love and develop further in the skills I enjoy cultivating.

But it’s not all rainbows and sunshine on this side either. What I gain in development, I lose in time, even if it is only my perception of time. That too holds value — the thought that you can bask in a moment before crashing back down to Earth. For me and my righteous path… ha ha ha… the sun stumbles up the sky and trips over the horizon like a common drunk. There is no reverie, only responsibility. And yes, this tends to make everyone’s life better in terms of accommodation. But before you know it, you’re back at work, dodging slings and arrows from unappreciative bosses, cleaning dishes, taking out the trash, rocking your kid to sleep, and confessing to your wife that you’re too damn tired to make love.

Permanence or growth… there is no correct choice. But whether you avoid the decision or actively engage it, life will play out as if you had chosen. Best to get ahead of the issue and, in doing so, get the most out of your time here.