THE THETA VARIANT
(Original Image by Christopher Ott)
I saw the news report during my lunch break. An eight year-old girl had gone with her father to the pier for a snow cone, and, when she took a bite, her little head swelled to the size of a hot air balloon, and her lungs popped like gunshots one after the other within her chest. She had died instantly, not from an allergic reaction or an absurd case of brain freeze, but from a sudden onset of the Theta variant, the report said. Yes, she had been wearing her mask. Yes, she had been wearing her rubber jump suit. Yes, she had been wearing her goggles, her airtight polycarbonate boots, and traveled via an automated lead-lined box (controlled by her father) as recommended by the CDC. But, goddamnit, if she had only worn her Px95 Triple G diaper, she would have been fine, just another girl on the pier, socially distanced, eating a snow cone.
Her distraught father wiped away tears, tugged nervously at his ponytail as he was interviewed. He couldn’t understand how this had happened. After all, she had watched all the fact-checked news casts religiously once the state allowed her to return home from school each day. She listened attentively to her political leaders: local, state, and federal, and asked no questions. Like every good American, she was ready to do exactly as she was instructed.
And, indeed, she took extensive notes as the politicians told the reporters told the comedians told the corporations told the local businesses told the neighbors told her family the patriotic duty of all Americans: to save lives. After all, there was no way to truly tell whether someone was vaccinated or not. Yes, the Theta vaccine had been out for almost a year, and clinical trials revealed a 99% effectiveness rate against hospitalization and death, but you could never underestimate the fear and mistrust of marginalized communities, especially with those damn dirty Republicans lingering like mold in the dark, uncensored crevices of the internet. Damn their black hearts! If only everyone was on the side of good! If only everyone was a Democrat! If only everyone agreed that objective truth, statistical data, and propositional logic were an afterbirth of the oppressive white patriarchy! If only, if only, if only… but alas, some people are just plain evil.
With a sudden air of pride, the father added that his little girl had learned all the political catch phrases and colloquialisms much earlier than her friends. This was thanks in large part to the flat screen televisions that came standard issue with automated boxes. The president had since decreed these televisions be added at no additional charge if an acceptable program package was installed. Depending on the sanctioned provider, this would include a combination of CNN, MSNBC, NBC, ABC, CBS, ESPN, Nickelodeon, pumping out prime political theater such as the Oscars, the Grammys, the Olympics, the NBA Finals, etc. etc. etc. 24-hour cycles of pundits, experts, analysts, governors, senators, press secretaries, comedians, sports commentators, cartoons – both CG and classically drawn… all interlaced with bombastic visuals and sounds designed to draw attention and weaken the connection between the upper and mammalian brain to better absorb the over-arching lie that is the American Dream.
That poor girl… with all her precociousness and political purity… She was too young to get the vaccine, and so she needed those Px95 Triple G diapers, seeing as how the human asshole was the Theta variant’s main vector of travel. According to the report, she had watched countless hours of television before the vaccine became available and had seen all the adults waddling around in them. There was even an extra pair tucked in the corner of her automated box, the police captain said. She had simply forgotten to put them on… or, for whatever reason, had decided to take them off. Perhaps the call of a snow cone on a hot day was too great for an adolescent mind. Perhaps the blissful carelessness of childhood had too strong a pull despite her political preparation. The news report concluded with the reporter stepping into frame in his company-mandated hazmat suit and MIRA Safety CM-7M Military Gas Mask and stating this predilection was something the government should take seriously, something in the realm of pharmaceutical development…
Then the program cut to live footage of another authorized book burning. How brave! How sensitive! How modern! Another flaming pot of gold at the end of the reading rainbow.
